Friday, October 23, 2009

This week's episode in the human comedy

You can't make this stuff up:
 • In Suffolk, England, grandfather Torben Merriott is awakened at 1:00 a.m. by an ungodly racket. With the aid of his flashlight, he identifies two Apache helicopter gunships on an exercise just "10 feet above my garden." He calls the Ministry of Defence complaint line, expecting an apology but, instead, is arrested, spends the night in jail, and is now waiting to hear whether he will be charged with endangering an aircraft by dazzling the pilot, which carries a maximum two years in jail.

• In Atlanta, Georgia, the Centers for Disease Control claim that a tax increase of three cents per beer could cut youth gonorrhea by 9%. The logic is that more teen drinking leads to more unprotected sex, and more cases of the clap.

• In Hopkinsville, Kentucky, Jeremy Johnson's job is to dance beside the road while holding a Quizno's sign. On his break, he decides to give passersby a special treat, and moves his act to the top rail of a bridge, at which point drivers call the cops to report an impending suicide. Police cite him for disorderly conduct. His boss says she hopes he kept holding that sign up.

• In West Springfield, Massachusetts, Aleh Kot took an extra long test drive in a new Accord from Balise Honda. He travelled 1,000 miles to Wisconsin before the police pulled him over and laid multiple charges including speeding, reckless driving and car theft.

• In Washington, D.C., 19-year-old Georgetown University sophomore Charley Cooper is so busy with all his student stuff that he is hiring a personal assistant to take care of organizing his closet, dropping him off, picking him up, scheduling haircuts, gassing up his car and doing laundry.

• In Clackmannanshire, England, Sandra Burt, 56, is told by the Performing Right Society that she may not sing while stacking shelves at the food store where she works, unless she gets a performance license and pays royalties for use of the tunes.
 Life is a cabaret.

No comments:

Post a Comment