Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Nine secrets to happiness

1. Dumb down. Try to know as little as possible about as much as possible. You will never be nominated to be president of your condo association, asked to manage your mother-in-law's stock portfolio, or expected to explain the benefits of NAFTA. No pressure.

2. Don't worry. Forget all that climate change stuff. You'll be dead before the polar bears. Earthquakes, mudslides, floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, blackouts, terrorism, fires, explosions, pandemics --- what are the chances? Why burden your mind with all that?

3. Avoid curiosity. Why wonder whether there is a God, or life after death? Is there intelligent life elsewhere in the universe? Who cares? Indifference is so calming. You'll sleep like a baby.

4. Ignore facts. Have the courage of your convictions. Stubbornly cling to your ideas despite all evidence against them. Ignorance is bliss.

5. Lower your expectations. You will have absolutely no disappointment because success and achievement aren't in your cosmos, so neither are failures.

6. Always choose instant gratification. To hell with the future. Thrift is for pessimists. Why wait? Why fuss about retirement and other stuff that may never happen? Why be one of those shmoes sweating out the overtime? A trip to Rio is much more fun. It'll all work out.

7. Avoid relationships. They mean you have to sometimes sacrifice your happiness to that of others. Why would you do that? In fact, avoid people all together. Nothing good comes from being involved with them. They only cause pain and suffering, and hit you up for handouts.

8. Only do things you're good at. If you try something and you're no good at it, drop it right away. Cut and run. Get outa Dodge! Why struggle to learn something new? Your self esteem is too important for that.

9. Be self-centered. This is one of the most powerful keys to happiness. You have limited time and resources. Why waste them helping others and making them happy? Don't be a sucker!

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