Monday, June 1, 2009

Guys, listen up

Women have their own language, indecipherable by the male mind.

Until now.

Today, your faithful servant is back with intercepted dispatches captured in the battle of the sexes, a modern-day Rosetta stone that cracks the secret code. Gentlemen, enlightenment dawns.

Here are the 9 key expressions you need to know for your own protection as you feel your way through the minefield of inter-gender discourse.
"Fine": This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

"Five Minutes": If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before cutting the grass.

"Nothing": This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."

"Go Ahead": This is a dare, not permission. Do not do it!

Loud Sigh: This non-verbal statement is often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to the meaning of "nothing" above.)

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

"Thanks": Nothing to worry about here UNLESS she says "Thanks A LOT." That is pure sarcasm, and she is not expressing gratitude. DO NOT say "You're welcome." That will bring on a "whatever."

"Whatever": This is a woman's way of saying "F---YOU!"

"Don't worry about it, I'll do it": Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that she has told you to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in you asking "What's wrong?" She will say "Nothing."
Pass it on.

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